Don't put it off til tomorrow..

its been on my mind a lot so figured why not write....

what a difference a day can make.....A good friend of mine had been sick with cancer for some time. Now how to describe this man. There's no way I can do him justice. Truly one of the most beautiful people I've ever known. There are people that are loved, but I really don't know ANYONE that didn't like him.....32, never drank or smoked a day in his life, yet never preached to others about what they choose to do. Just tried to help people no matter what. Smart, driven, and very giving. We became friends my first year and high school and remained close. He was my other big brother and my parents' other son.

When we found out he had cancer, it was somewhat by accident. He's very humble and doesn't like to share his pain. I was always his little girl, and he protected me always. *sometimes more than my real brother * Nor did he really express how serious it was. Until I spoke with his wife some time later, and she gave me more details, did I start to get it.

So superbowl weekend last year, she told me he had been admitted to a new hospital. For months he had been in and out of hospitals, as they couldn't find any medication or treatment that would help. He had a very rare form of cancer, that eventually attacked his vena cava, making treatment near impossible. Had I done a little more probing, I would have realized the new hospital was one for "pain management", pretty much for terminal patients, to keep them as comfortable as possible.

Then he was sent back home. Throughout his sickness, I called him most every day and even if he didn't always answer, he always knew I called or I would chat with his wife. Maybe denial. Maybe fear. But I kept putting off visiting him. The cancer had taken away the Charles I was used to seeing and when I'd see him, the visit would end in tears, him saying he was weak for letting people down by not beating the disease. Me, well, cause I cry all the time, and this situation, well, obvious reasons. But on this day, last year I decided, tomorrow morning, Saturday, I'd go make a trip after seeing my mom.

Bright and early, I was at my mom's and called his house. When his wife's sister answered, I knew. As dramatic as it may sound, I exaggerate not. Friday night, around 11:30pm I woke up, hearing "it's ok now, it'll be ok, it'll be quiet and ok now"....I thought my boyfriend was talking to me, but he was fast asleep. His sisters' wife told me he passed away the night before slightly before midnight.

Part of me knows he didn't want me to see him like that. Part of feels guilty for not being strong enough to put my sadness aside and go see him. But I know, he know the love we had and knows I was there in spirit, as he will always be with me in spirit now.

Have I said lately I love my boss?

i'm on a roll today with two blog entries.

ANYHOOTS......so I love my boss. I've always said that....well, 95% of the time. Very understanding, respectful, not a micro-manager...almost too hands off sometimes. all that good stuff.
SO, because sometimes things aren't "managed" completely, things slip through the cracks. Like my vacation time. For some ODD reason, the official HR records do not reflect all the time I've taken off. Leaving me with 12 days and 4 floating days. Technically I've probably taken every last one of them. But technically they haven't recorded that. So when I put in my request for TWO WEEKS off, I was very self conscious of this "error". Didn't think my boss was either. Until he requested a copy of staff's official leave records. After a couple days of sweating, he approved my vacation.

Fast forward to today. Talking with him, he said he doesn't like when I go away... :( awwww he'll miss me. I told him not to worry, although I can't call in, I'll be bringing my laptop. His response was, you deserve your time off, and you know how I feel about that, so don't expect any emails from me...then he smiled, and winked at me.....I almost feel guilty with getting over a week extra time off. ALMOST....not quite.....*goes home and packs tanning oil and shorts*

"Are you ok?"

So I'm on the train heading to work....chatting on the phone. No mind blowing conversation. Just some regular stuff...and I do my best to use my "inside on a cellphone voice" so that the entire car is not burdened with the boring details of my life...as the train is about to pull into the station, and I stood up, this young woman about my age, who was sitting a few rows away, goes 'are you ok?' I was caught offguard, but replied 'yes, why'? She said oh ok, just that your face looks like you're very upset or ready to cry! *YIKES!!!* I've had many a conversations on my cell in public that have really made me cry but this wasn't one of them.....I pleasantly thanked her for her concern and wished her a pleasant day. I don't ever remember seeing her on the train before as opposed to those strangers that you say hello to every morning because you see them Monday through Friday morning week after week. I guess it would have been less strange to me if maybe one of them asked me.

So then I wondered, do I always look upset and ready to cry? Is that just my normal expression? AND let's say WHAT IF, something was wrong and her question caused me to BURST INTO TEARS and begin a long winded story of some personal problem....what was she going to do? Say oh sorry to hear it and make her way up the stairs? Sit there with me, give me Kleenex and wipe my tears?? Guess we'll never know.

I think these things only happen to me. Has this ever happened to you?