Don't put it off til tomorrow..

its been on my mind a lot so figured why not write....

what a difference a day can make.....A good friend of mine had been sick with cancer for some time. Now how to describe this man. There's no way I can do him justice. Truly one of the most beautiful people I've ever known. There are people that are loved, but I really don't know ANYONE that didn't like him.....32, never drank or smoked a day in his life, yet never preached to others about what they choose to do. Just tried to help people no matter what. Smart, driven, and very giving. We became friends my first year and high school and remained close. He was my other big brother and my parents' other son.

When we found out he had cancer, it was somewhat by accident. He's very humble and doesn't like to share his pain. I was always his little girl, and he protected me always. *sometimes more than my real brother * Nor did he really express how serious it was. Until I spoke with his wife some time later, and she gave me more details, did I start to get it.

So superbowl weekend last year, she told me he had been admitted to a new hospital. For months he had been in and out of hospitals, as they couldn't find any medication or treatment that would help. He had a very rare form of cancer, that eventually attacked his vena cava, making treatment near impossible. Had I done a little more probing, I would have realized the new hospital was one for "pain management", pretty much for terminal patients, to keep them as comfortable as possible.

Then he was sent back home. Throughout his sickness, I called him most every day and even if he didn't always answer, he always knew I called or I would chat with his wife. Maybe denial. Maybe fear. But I kept putting off visiting him. The cancer had taken away the Charles I was used to seeing and when I'd see him, the visit would end in tears, him saying he was weak for letting people down by not beating the disease. Me, well, cause I cry all the time, and this situation, well, obvious reasons. But on this day, last year I decided, tomorrow morning, Saturday, I'd go make a trip after seeing my mom.

Bright and early, I was at my mom's and called his house. When his wife's sister answered, I knew. As dramatic as it may sound, I exaggerate not. Friday night, around 11:30pm I woke up, hearing "it's ok now, it'll be ok, it'll be quiet and ok now"....I thought my boyfriend was talking to me, but he was fast asleep. His sisters' wife told me he passed away the night before slightly before midnight.

Part of me knows he didn't want me to see him like that. Part of feels guilty for not being strong enough to put my sadness aside and go see him. But I know, he know the love we had and knows I was there in spirit, as he will always be with me in spirit now.